


Uncertainty (you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone)

by Norickayer



Category: Runaways (Comics)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Identity Issues, Other, ambiguous loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3365438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Norickayer/pseuds/Norickayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation between Karolina and Xavin, before the end.</p>
<p>
  <i>Karolina has tasted many flavors of uncertainty in her relationship with Xavin. She went from being unsure how to react to an arranged marriage to being unsure how to be in a relationship to being unsure how Xavin’s identity affected her own.<br/>She’s never been uncertain of Xavin’s love for her. She isn’t about to start now.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncertainty (you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone)

It didn’t bother Xavin at all, at first.

If anything, it was a balm, proof that Xavin was not so strange here, that Karolina had accepted them fully, that they could be together.

_Lesbians_.

Chase spits it out one day, elbow-deep in the Leapfrog’s engine. His voice is exasperated, but not hateful.

_Lesbians_ , Molly drawls in faux-disgust as Xavin and Karolina embrace.

_Lesbians_ , Nico crows in amusement after Xavin punches a human stranger who was a bit too aggressive in his flirting with Xavin’s fiancé.

It’s one of the first words Xavin ever heard from their beloved. One of the first things they learned about her.

It follows them like a curse, like an accusation.

-

“I’m not,” Xavin whispers in Karolina’s ear one night.

“Not what?” she whispers back. It’s late, and the others are not that far away. Better to not wake them.

Xavin’s not sure how to say this.

“I’m not a lesbian,” they say, their voice stunted and awkward.

“What?” Karolina asks. “Xavin, you- you love me, right?”

“Of course!” they reassure their beloved. “There’s no question. Always. But I’m not like you are.”

“You like boys, too?” Karolina asks, and scrunches up her nose cutely. “Gross.”

“That’s not exactly it,” Xavin replies. That may be true as well, but isn’t the point. Xavin doesn’t find their preferences to be particularly relevant right now.

“Okay,” Karolina says, “can this wait ‘till morning?”

“Karolina,” Xavin repeats. “I’m not a woman.”

Karolina is silent. “Of course you are,” she replies. Her voice is quiet, slightly distant. “You said- Look at you! You’re a girl.”

This is why Xavin hasn’t brought it up before. They know what Karolina thinks, and they don’t have the words to explain.

They try anyway.

“I’m really not,” they say, regretful.

“So, what?” Karolina says, getting angry. “You’re saying I’ve been dating a man? That you’re just a guy with-with long hair and breasts? Pretending to be a girl?” She pushes herself up and out of Xavin’s arms.

Xavin flinches and loosens their grip on Karolina.

“No, no,” they say, trying to comfort their fiancé. “I’m not a man, I’ve told you that.”

“Then _what_?” Karolina asks, exasperated.

This is what Xavin was trying to avoid.

“When we first met, I told you that Skrulls change gender as easily as hair color,” they say.

Karolina nods.

“This form isn’t a reflection of who I am,” Xavin explains, “-but neither is my male form,” they continue, before Karolina can get the wrong idea.

Karolina relaxes. “I know you’re a Skrull, honey. I know you don’t really look- that you weren’t born looking like this.”

Karolina isn’t getting it, but maybe she’s closer than she was before. Xavin continues on before they can lose their nerve.

“I know you prefer my female form. But that doesn’t affect who I am. I am not a different person in my different forms.”

Karolina is silent for a moment. She wraps her arms around herself.

“I know,” she says quietly.

“Then you know that I am not really-“

“Why can’t you be?” Karolina asks suddenly.

“Beloved-“

“My real body isn’t human, but I was raised here. I look human!” Karolina has tears in her eyes, and she gestures to her body- her pliant, matte skin, her golden hair. “Why can’t this be who I am?”

“I wasn’t saying – it’s not about who you are,” Xavin says, uncertain.

“But it _is_ ,” Karolina insists. “If you’re not a girl, how can I be a lesbian? If your form doesn’t change who you are, then who am I?”

Xavin is silent.

“I don’t know,” they say, eventually.

-

Months later, Karolina stares up at the night sky.

Somewhere out there, Xavin is imprisoned. Maybe dead.  She doesn’t know which.

Karolina has tasted many flavors of uncertainty in her relationship with Xavin. She went from being unsure how to react to an arranged marriage to being unsure how to be in a relationship to being unsure how Xavin’s identity affected her own.

She’s never been uncertain of Xavin’s love for her. She isn’t about to start now.

Still, all of those flavors are preferable to this.

She’d take a lifetime of confusion if only she had her beloved back.

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by my Extreme Bitterness at what happened to Xavin, and also my existence as a nonbinary person in a relationship with a lesbian.


End file.
